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When siblings act as parents, the impacts are long lasting

Rose Bak
Wholistique
Published in
3 min readSep 17, 2021

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Talk to any oldest child and they’ll tell you stories of taking care of their siblings. From babysitting to changing diapers to walking kids to school, it’s naturally assumed that as the oldest, the sibling will look out for those who come behind.

But in some families caring for siblings goes beyond merely “helping out”. Siblings may take on a larger role, doing everything from being a primary caregiver to cooking for them to protecting them from abusive parents. When siblings become parents, there are long-term consequences not only for the sibling doing the parenting, but also those they care for.

Psychologists call this “destructive parentification”. An article from The Awareness Centre describes it like this:

Parentification was defined by Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark in 1973 as being the distortion or lack of boundaries between and among family subsystems, such that children take on the roles and responsibilities usually reserved for adults…a parentified child becomes the parent to their siblings or even their parents. They grow up too quickly as a result of their parent’s inability or unwillingness to fulfil responsibilities in the home. Their…

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Wholistique
Wholistique

Published in Wholistique

Personal stories on self-discovery, relationships, and a holistic path to happiness. Wholistique is about growth, not fixing — because you’re not broken. We aim to shift your perspective and empower you with tools to navigate life.

Rose Bak
Rose Bak

Written by Rose Bak

Rose Bak is a freelance non-fiction writer as well as the author of more than 50 books. Find Rose's books at bit.ly/AuthorRoseBak .

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Oh, parenting younger sibs, such an important realization, especially when the parents are narcissists. Can get very complicated. Thanks for bringing attention to this.

2

This was an interesting read for me. I'm the eldest of 3, my dad was an alcoholic, mum coped by burying her head in books and ignoring everything. Mum will still ring me to ask if I will speak to my sisters about stuff.....took me a long time to…

16

Thanks for your article, Rose! I’m 66 years-old and still regularly thinking about boundaries with my younger brothers. The tendency to be the “parent” never dissipates. So I’m often times “holding back” from doing so.

1